Posted August 21, 2014 under Blog

What if we are no longer compatible?

JB Thursblog-What if we are no longer compatible 1280x768

At our recently concluded couples’ retreat someone asked, “What does one do if you are no longer compatible as you were at the beginning of your marriage?

My simple response was compatibility is a myth. The dictionary defines compatibility as the ability “to exist or occur together without conflict.” In the real life of relationships there is no such thing.

The Myth Compatibility

Our modern times want us to believe that a good marriage is founded on finding that one person whom we are compatible with. The problem with that notion is there is no such person.

When we set our sights on such a belief we set ourselves up for failure. At the onset of a relationship when we are attracted to someone we not only put our best foot forward, we try to find things that make us look and feel compatible.

Over time we see all the incompatibilities. The problem is we still believe the myth. We still think there is someone out there who is compatible to us. Then we start entertaining the thought that our marriage is a failure while secretly wishing we married the one who is truly compatible to us.

The Hard Truth

It is not incompatibility that destroys marriages, but selfishness. It is not our differences that cause problems but pride. Selfishness and pride are things that will cause conflict no matter how compatible two people may seem to be.

Only a relationship with God can change us from being selfish and prideful.

God at the Center

Successful marriages are not about compatibility. But acknowledges that we are conflicted on the inside individually. Our sinful nature has resulted in a brokenness that cannot be made whole by another person, but only by God.

God is the foundation, stability and hope of our marriages. As our individual relationship with God transforms us into the image of His Son, we are able to fulfil our vows to love, cherish, and protect each other, even though we know we are not completely compatible.

So do not let the pattern of this world convince you of its myths. Rather, be transformed by the renewing of your mind that only God can change you to be the spouse He intended you to be. And as promised you will be able to experience His good, pleasing and perfect will for your marriage and life.

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3 thoughts on “What if we are no longer compatible?”

  1. Marc Castrodes says:

    Pastor, please allow my thoughts. I come from a background of marriage/relationship counselling and handling of cases of nullity of marriages based on Pyschological Incapacity.

    The science behind compatibilities in human relationships is a deepening science. More and more studies are churned out to discover what makes certain personality and character mix work better than others. The need to get to know the family background, personality, character, predispositions, and predilections before committing to a relationship is anchored on the reality that there are mixes that are better than others. The presence of sexual intimacy early in a relationship is discouraged because it creates a sense of "compatibility" not anchored on real determinants lf character and predispositions. That said, are there certain personalities and upbringings that are better fit certain types? Yes? We need not mention moral and ethical incompatibility. Why do i have to reply? Because there could be the danger for singles marrying whoever is first to respond to their courting efforts, because "compatibility" is a myth. Compatibilty was precisely the reason why God had to create Eve.

    But for those already married and committed, the issue is no longer compatibility. Not that the issue does not exist, but within the context of the christian marital institution, compatibility should not be made a marriage breaker. Because the commitment overrides predispositions. The commitment should outweigh preferences. The commitent plus the biblical mandate should correct whatever is causing conflict.

  2. Excellent Pastor Joey. There are probably more people who believe in the "necessity" of "being in love" or leaving your marriage partner for "true love" than people who believe in Jesus around the world. I believe this has been made possible through the power of story through movies, paperback novels, novellas and magazines. The lies trickle down to testimonials from celebrities and couples echoing the lie. Culture continues perpetrating these myths undermining God's wonderful counsel which is creating the most romantic married couples who are respectfully 100% committed to do right by God, their partner and family.
    Great answer brother.

  3. Techie Santiago says:

    Hi Pastor Joey

    Me and my hubby joined the getaway together with 6 couples from our small group.

    True true true compatibility is for gadgets and software only 🙂
    The myth of compatibility took its ugly claw on me..hoping and praying that my prince charming will reveal his royal blood line soon! One day I realized that my prince is really a warm blooded FROG! .... sadly he will never be a prince 🙁
    (As in I said to myself yaiyyy yung prince ko naging Palaka)

    By God's grace.. now I look at that ugly toad sleeping beside me as the handsomest, kindest and most generous frog in the whole wide world.

    Now I wonder.. if he was also waiting for me to turn out into a slender swan..poor guy ha ha ha ha stuck with a Pato ha ha ha ha

    God is good! Now we are really compatible frogs and pato both love swamp 🙂

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