The Final Ingredient
By now, I hope it has become clear that marriages stand on the three legs of trust, love and forgiveness. There is however a fourth component that I have found to be essential in order to make a marriage succeed. The final ingredient is - Communication
After 32 years of being married, a big part of my marriage issues stem from not being able to communicate well with Marie. Communication is the process that brings us into communion so we can become a community.
Photosynthesis of the Soul
Communication is to us humans what photosynthesis is to plants. A plant placed inside a house will lean towards a window where it finds sun. The reason for this is because it needs the sun’s light to keep it alive. The sun provides life through a process known as photosynthesis.
Here’s how it works: The sun gives off light that a plant stores as energy. It then uses the energy to convert carbon dioxide (C02) and water into oxygen. Oxygen is taken in by humans and in exchange, they exhale carbon dioxide that is absorbed by plants and so continues the never-ending process.
In a similar manner, communication with each other is an exchange of words, thoughts, ideas and actions that we process and convert in order to breathe life into our relationships. Just as a plant leans toward a sun-lit window, so does a husband and wife lean toward each other to have meaningful exchange with one another.
Good Communication leads to Communion
Communion is synonymous to affinity, togetherness, closeness, harmony, understanding and connection. The result is a genuine community. Communication is the vehicle that gets spouses from point A (having a communion with one another) to point B (becoming a genuine community). This is why communication is so important. We find the first acts of communication in the Book of Genesis when God communicated with Adam. He did this by speaking His word to him.
The first part of communication is speaking. Our words contain expressions that help us commune with one another. Words can also be written. For years Marie and I have exchanged letters, cards and these days even text messages, emails and Instagram posts. This continual flow enables us to exchange and nourish one another.
Do E-E-T
The second part of communication is listening. This consists of understanding, accepting, and agreeing with each other. Frankly, this was not my strong suit. But by being aware of its vital importance in communicating, I’ve learned how to listen.
Here are three key tips that have helped me:
1. All eyes. Keeping eye contact is one of the best ways to listen. It tells your spouse that you are interested and are engaged. To avoid staring, I move from looking into Marie’s eyes to her mouth and then back to her eyes in a circular motion. This keeps me listening while telling her that I am actively engaged in the conversation.
2. All ears. As I have confessed, listening is not one of my stronger suits. I had to learn. An added technique to using my eyes is to summarize Marie’s statements in my mind and after two or three points, I try to distill the main idea she was trying to say then summarize it into a sentence I repeat to her, saying, “Did you mean….?”
3. Bite Your Tongue. If you have been a frequent visitor of my website, you know that I can be very opinionated. Imagine being married to me. In order to give Marie a chance to express herself, I have learned the fine art of biting my tongue (while keeping a smile on my face). I bite my tongue and remind myself that less is more.
We need to talk less to listen more.
To be continued…
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How to Kill your Marriage
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The One Lesson That Changed my Christmas
Why We Keep Watching Love Stories
Love and a Warm Heart
Love is not a Verb
How to trust in Troubled Waters
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The One Lesson That Changed My Marriage
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